I have demons in my body and in my mind. Physically they pull my muscles in certain situations. There are reflexes I can’t control and places where there seems to be “emptiness” or some kind of “darkness”. Mentally it means I have problems from the past. Memories of things, good and bad, which affects me still today. I can’t ignore the effects neither on my body nor on my mind from these demons. They are there, and they are my mission in life to heal.
Actually, I can’t kill these demons, because as all of this is in my body and my mind, they are in fact part of me, even if they are acting outside my control. Maybe I can look at it as a split of my personality which I can’t control by my will. The destructive thinking about myself, often related to compliments, and my reflexes which activates when somebody is doing something which feels nice are connected to this part of me. It is me, but it is doing things I don’t want it to do, fighting all good things in life.
The demons are smart though, and very, very suspicious. Any pushing or pulling will causing them to fight back vigorously with all their ferocious strength. Even if I trust my partner they do not. The healing happens during normal keiko, but the quality of the touch of the partner decides the outcome. To gain their trust the partner needs to make them feel truly safe, let them know that they are accepted just as they are, giving them all a warm hug as he/she meets them. Giving them some love.
I see my partners as my therapists, healing me as we practice together. Each partner has a different “fingerprint” touching different parts, healing different parts of me. Sometimes I meet partners with corresponding qualities in their body, opposite of mine, so the medicine I need is in them. Some partners have the ability to go deep inside, where very few can reach. Naturally I feel that I have to practice as much as possible with them whenever I meet them.
Often the people who can help me most have had some kind of problem themselves. Maybe they have a yin where I have yang so together we can be healthy. Others just have an extreme talent, and interest, for connecting deeply and picking on the unhealthy parts in there. Taming my demons. Bringing light to the darkness. Washing through the unhealthy parts with their presence. I have an infinite gratitude to these people, for their patience and care. This is priceless for me.
The demons are always trying to avoid the light though. Rather than standing still and letting the light shine in the darkness I often move my body, dancing with the light, following the shadow so the light does not light up the traumatic areas. Instead of separating my inner parts, the demons makes me clench fast not letting the love from the partner wash through the painful area, but instead I move the body as one piece to avoid being healed. There are a lot of fear. I want nothing more than to receive it, but I can’t control this by my intention so I end up fighting my own healing.
Sometimes though, I can’t go anywhere. If my partner is patient, and interested in this part. Isolating the area, fixating the parts around and not letting me move when they move the light. Of course this scares the demons, and me, shitless at first. The warm feeling flows from my partner into me and I can feel my demons fighting it, but there is nothing to fight. I trust my partner more and more, and in the end I feel it flows inside, deeper and deeper into the cracks where the demons are hiding. They are not killed, they are tamed, by love. They become one with me again and I feel whole.
Enjoy your keiko! Aikido make people happy!